she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
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i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
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Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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