I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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