Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
