Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Randomize
