she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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