Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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