Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
