If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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