Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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