I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
