i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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