Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
