Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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