That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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