I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Randomize
