I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
