i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
