thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
