then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
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His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
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I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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