dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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