I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
