Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
