I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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