I can text with my tongue
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Randomize
