Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
worst night to have a conscience
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
3pm strippers are depressing
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
