So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
