Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
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