god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
