Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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