my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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