I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
