Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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