I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
