I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
