mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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