Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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