I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Randomize