So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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