Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
