now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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