I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
