Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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