After last night, I could never be a politician.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
