I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
