i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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