sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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