I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Ambien. No doubt about it.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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