oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
