True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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