I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
try to milk me bitch
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
