I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
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