mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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