we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
