nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Randomize
