Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Randomize
