Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
