I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Randomize
