I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I'm both gender and math confused
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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