so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
