Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
