in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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