I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
