you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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